Category: Dating and Relationships
So there's this girl that I really like and I want to have a relationship with. This is a girl who I've known for a little over a month now. However, there is something standing in the way here, and that is that she can't trust guys because of previous relationships, so she says that it will take lots of time for her to be able to trust me. But she's not saying that a relationship is out of the question. Can you give me on some advice on what I can do to show her that she can trust me? I'm not concerned about how long it'll take for her to trust me, I just need some help on what I can do to help her out. She and I both know that things will work out for us, but sh's just having a hard time trusting me, which I really don't blame her for.
I'd say just be patient. Let her know of your interest, which it sounds like you have, but also reassure her, as often as she needs, that because you care for her, you will be patient with her, and wait till she is ready to take things to the next level. Pressure, even if it's only perceived on her part, will push her away, so try to be careful not to apply any. I'd say just be there for her, be an active listener when she wants/needs to talk to you about things. I imagine that with patience and caring on your part, and no pressure, she'll come around eventually.
I agree, actively trying to prove that she can trust you, will probably just push her away. if a girl is hurt like that, the best thing to do is just wait and watch, when she falls, be there to pick her up again. Let her cry on your shoulder as much as she needs to without trying to make out with her afterwards. You have to crawl before you can walk, and in this case you have to be a good friend before you can be a boyfriend.
I warn you though, sometimes when you do this, they figure your better as a friend. Don't stop being her friend if this happens, it will be painful and disappointing, but it means she still needs you, and you never know, things may change. There's my two cents.
Well said.
Well put, Cody, and that warning is also a good idea. I had not thought of that, but you are correct. Michael, if that were to happen, Cody is right about not stopping being her friend. that will only prove her point to her, drive that belief in more deepy, and then you lose any chance of it ever being more. I know it would be hard on you, but that's what I think. But, let's just hope that isn't what happens.
I agree with what has already been said. all you can do is be there for her, and wait patiently to see where it leads you.
Yep, what everybody said. Chill, take it easy, take it one day at a time, no rush and no pressure. Be a good friend if that's all she wants at this point, and you'll never know where friendships will lead. I say this because it happened to me and I'm now engaged to a woman who I figured would only be a friend and I'd be dating somebody else.
Thanks, guys. That really helped out a lot.
Speaking from experience, and by experience, I mean not trusting guys and not having much luck with men, I have to agree with everyone's posts here especially the part about perceived pressure. Not being able to trust is a hard thing, so just let her lead but let her know you're there. Good luck. I hope things work out for you.
To show her that she can trust you, start out by being her friend and supporting as best you can through her hard times. The more you stand by her side, the more she'll trust you and that friendship will lead to more opprotunities.
Michael, I'm gonna say something that is not going to be very popular, and something I would never have dared say ten or even five years ago, but just think hard:
Many many people suffer incredible hardships in life. I've known women who, according to what I would have thought, should be embittered forever. They had been beat, and what I wouldn't have done to apply an eight-inch crowbar to the beater. However, they've moved on and been successful, had relationships, and everything.
But I've been in one of these situations, one with a girl who had had previous issues with men, and I'm here to tell you, be very very careful. You are now a potential target. All her frustrations she might not have been able to even verbalize, let alone confront the previous cheater or beater or whoever, will be yours to endure. What I mean is, in most relationships with American women, men struggle anyway to be enough and not too much, the proverbial "get back here leave me alone" complex, that is unique to the Western world. But add to this that she'll even be told that acting out on you is part of the healing process, you just have to watch out.
It's not her fault, of course, if anything it's the assailant's and the culture's. Remember she's not a young man: probably never been told to square up, show a little courage, in short women basically aren't given the tools that we are by the society we live in. I don't think it's fair; in fact in my opinion they get the short end of the deal this way, being left with all of life's problems the rest of us deal with, but the only tool they get is being told it's hard being a girl. You and I haven't had to work with so little as men.
But I would re-evaluate any romantic intentions, because in America anyway, women are celebrated for acting out prior relationships on current ones. Not to say all do, in fact I'd venture to say that a majority do not. Be a friend if you want, for sure. And who knows? Maybe she'll put a little distance in time between the past and you. Maybe travel a little bit, maybe see how the rest of the world's women fare. Most of all, maybe realize life is really tough at times, and the most courageous thing anyone can do is to not judge future people based on the actions of prior offenders.
In case you think it strange to mention courage and woman in the same sentence, (certainly they don't get it from the new culture), I know a single mom, of twins no less, whose husband is incarcerated, and to me, she of all people should have the right to complain, become as bitter as the single University grad getting a grant to study the plight of women in film. Of course like anyone she's got tough days, IMHO tougher than most of ours, and she's real about it all. Yet you don't see it getting ladled on everybody else.
Even though I've said to watch yourself there, I honestly have no criticism of the woman in question. Just imagine if, instead of being told to suck it up occasionally, or being told to be a sport and play along with the team, you were told it's just harder being a boy, and that all girls are out to get only one thing. I don't know your friend, or what she's been told, but I do know a lot of girls get just that. And that's not their fault, that's ours: the fault of good-intentioned people who, in my opinion, wrongfully thought the way to make women's situation better was to give them a break for everything, every behavior. Look at this situation: If the roles were reversed, your fellows would be telling you, "Come on man! You can't judge this girl by the past girl's actions!" But they're never told that. In fact, if we were never challenged, if we were treated the way they are now, I'm confident parts of us would've attropheed too. Knowing this, you'll have a utmost respect for women who aren't that way, because you know very well, in our society, they worked harder to not be that way than you or I ever did. They beat the odds.
Anyway kinda strayed there, but just watch your step especially if she's projecting on you what happened before. Doesn't mean you won't sympathize: of course you will. But you are innocent, the past violator or whatever is the one that's guilty. Have the guts to think about it, though, even if it grants me the booby prize for least popular on here.
well said cody.
Well, I am here to give you an update. It doesn't look like things are going to work out here. I had a conversation with her about her anxiety around men, and when I let her know that I was still there for her and taking things slowly, she freaked out, and said that she no longer had the feelings for me. I was a mess for about a whole week after that conversation. I probably didn't do anything wrong, but when she sent me that e-mail saying that she no longer had those feelings for me, I felt stupid for sending that e-mail. But I'm recuperated, and now realize that it wasn't me, it was just her anxiety flaring up. I think I'll just keep it at a friendship level with her, simply because she's shown me that she can't handle relationships. And of course that isnt even her fault that she has this anxiety problem. I'm sure that everything will work much better if we just keep it at a friendship level.
And to clarify, I sent her an e-mail stating that I was still there and waiting for her to come around.